5-4-2011 The Weekly Claw

A) Congrats to SEAL Team Six on a wonderful job in sending Osama bin Laden to his 72 virgin male camels and goats. The aftermath of the raid is another story. Barack Obama ordered that the body be treated with respect and given proper muslim death rites. In the immortal words of the CO of M*A*S*H 4077, “HORSE HOCKEY!” His body should have been sliced open, stuffed with bacon, drenched in pig blood, and plopped into the water after it had been properly chummed for a while. The head should be on a pike at Ground Zero. His people drag American bodies through the streets, burn them, hang them from bridges, or even post videos of their heads being cut off while they are alive. They deserve ZERO respect. Obama doesn’t want to anger them, but the idiot doesn’t realize that they’ve been pizzed off at all non-muslims for 13 centuries, since their pedophilic False Prophet wrote his book of hate. Here’s a little history lesson for those who, like Obama, refuse to believe that Islam is nothing but a blood cult.

B) Did y’all notice that the word of bin Laden’s death was leaked to the media just in time for them to cut away from primetime shows minutes before The Donald could say “You’re fired!”? NBC reported that the White House sat on the news for hours, and The Crawfish has it from multiple sources that the security level at our military bases was raised in the early afternoon. Barack Obama: the most PETTY President in history.

C) Osama’s last residence was just yards away from Pakistan’s military academy and stuck out like a Than Franthithco flamer in Mecca, but the Pakis had no idea he was there. They’re about as believable as Obama. Meanwhile, the Pakis are hacked off that we didn’t let them know we were coming in time for them to get OBL out of town.

D) Despite a standing order from September of 2001 to kill bin Laden at the first opportunity, it too Mr. I Vote Present over 16 hours to make up his mind to authorize the mission. When you want decisive leadership, you surely do NOT call upon Sir Golfsalot.

E) There are many out there who are unhappy with the US, since we killed bin Laden instead of capturing him and taking him to trial. The UN is investigating possible war crimes or human rights violations. The so-called Palestinians found it to be another excuse to riot in East Jerusalem and Gaza. The Washington Post is upset that Americans are celebrating. The Germans are questioning the legality of the raid, when they know muslim terrorists see laws and rules as signs of weakness. Well, not only would a trial in America cause the host city to become the Mecca of suicide bombers, but the Eric Holder Injustice Department would probably have scuttled the case, just like they have done with other Islamic terrorism cases. Even if bin Laden had been tried and convicted, Obama would have just given him citizenship instead of a death penalty, and allowed him to buy guns for his next adventure.

F) While Obama is taking credit for the raid, one of the big stories is that credit for the killing of bin Laden can be traced directly (according to Leon Panetta) to the Bush Administration and their policies of “enhanced interrogations” that Obama and all of the liberals protested against. Carl Levin of Michiganistan is even in disbelief over the situation. Since none of the muslim terrorists and AQ/Taliban fighters are legal combatants according to Article 4 of the Geneva Conventions, it is perfectly legal for us to torture and execute them at will.

G) Mahmoud I’minajihad must be ready for a comfortable retirement. Well, either that or he has a death wish. It appears that he is crossing swords with Supreme Leader Ayatollah I bin Wrappingmyheaddiapertootight, and the Iranian Parliament is considering impeachment proceedings. Now maybe he’ll find a razor that works.

H) Mayor Blooming Idiot of Noo Yawk wants to send immigrants to Detroit. Somehow I don’t think that this is what he means.

I) Kevin Jackson says that “entitlement” is a dirty word. Ya won’t find disagreement from The Crawfish!

J) The Chosen One finally released a birth certificate, saying “We don’t have time for this kind of silliness.” He did, however, have time for the silliness of Orca’s show in Chicago and fundraisers in Noo Yawk, where his motorcade tied up Manhattan traffic during rush hour.

K) Why in the world is liberal icon Wesley Cook still alive 29 years after murdering Philadelphia Police Officer Daniel Faulkner? FRY MUMIA! (and the liberal judges who have supported him since 1982)

L) Last week, the National Labor Relations Board, an extra-Constitutional government arm of the unions, unconstitutionally told Boeing that they cannot produce jetliners in a right-to-work state. This week, the NLRB filed lawsuits against states whose Constitutions guarantee workers the right to secret ballots when faced with the thug organizers of the unions. Have these union goons ever heard of the 10th Amendment?

M) The liberal bureaucrats and the Obama Administration are continuing their war against America’s oil production, this time with His Majesty sic’ing the EPA on companies that want to drill in west Texas and east New Mexico. You see, there’s this 3-inch long lizard that lives out there… Shell Oil is futilely banging their heads against this liberal wall trying to get permission to drill of the coast of Alaska in areas that they lease from the government.

N) The Prophet Algoracle has been uncharacteristically quiet regarding the deadly storms of the past couple of weeks. It was the perfect time for him to proclaim how it was all because of Glo-Bull Warming. Maybe he listened to actual meteorologists and climatologists this time, since they would tell him that the current El Nina condition in the Pacific is the reason for the storm activity.

O) How often do you find a big-time college athlete who truly believes that he has a higher calling in life than going pro and making the big bucks? Tejay Johnson of the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs gets a big salute from The Crawfish.

P) How powerful are government employee unions? This might become their new recruitment pitch: “Join us and you can make porn videos while on the clock, and keep your day job!” Is their union hall named for Hugh Hefner?

Q) The CEO of the Black Chamber of Commerce was an Obama supporter in 2008. My how Change has had an effect on him!

R) The media keeps portraying conservatives in general and the Tea Party in particular, of being a bunch of white racists. It is past time for us to point out that many of our fellow patriots are indeed black, and most of them understand the Constitution and the principles of our Founding Fathers much better than the black messiah currently residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Oh, and just in case you were wonderin’, many of The Crawfish’s favorites for national office happen to be black, like Herman Cain, Allen West, and JC Watts.

S) We’ve come to expect stories about the Obama Administration giving money to other nations to boost THEIR production, but this one is all at George W. Bush’s feet. He should have told the WTO to pack sand.

T) When a Republican Governor and a Republican legislature in Wisconsin limited collective bargaining rights for public sector unions, the unions and the media went nucking futs for over a month. When a Democrat Governor and a Democrat legislature do the same thing in Taxachusetts, there are no protests, no sit-ins, no union violence, and no media coverage. Now the unions DID threaten to not support the Democrats in the next election, but that’s like blacks threatening to not support Obama.

U) If The Crawfish ever becomes President, I will revoke Jimmuh Cahtuh’s passport when he goes overseas to prop up left wing dictators and accuse the US of human rights violations. He may now be the SECOND worst President in history, but he’s number one for worst ex-Presidents.

If y’all come across any weird/stoooopid/strange news stories that might be fodder for The Weekly Claw or The Weekend Claw, e-mail them to me at CrawfishsClaw@yahoo.com and I’ll consider ‘em. Yes, I will give you newshounds credit.

“The fact that we are here today to debate raising America ’s debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the U.S. Government can’t pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government’s reckless fiscal policies. … Increasing America ’s debt weakens us domestically and internationally. Leadership means that the buck stops here. Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better.” - Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL), March 20, 2006

The Constitution of the United States